I know, I know

8:30 am
I missed a day. Boo.

Yesterday was an all day nonstop type of day so when I got home and could finally rest I didn't even turn on my PC. I just laid in bed until I fell asleep so...I'M SORRY.


11:26pm
Ok, now I can actually write.

It's REALLY HARD to stay positive sometimes. And I know some people see me and generally think I'm a Disney princess and all is pixie dust with me. Y'all would be surprised on what actually goes through my head. 

I am constantly doubting myself. Saying that these things won't work out for me because of course they won't. For multiple reasons: I don't deserve it, people suck, etc. And sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try or persevere or anything, I'm always let down. For whatever bloody reason. And I know that what you put out into the universe is what will be returned back to you so I pray and I truly try to stay positive and BELIEVE that good things will happen. Has this year been good to me compared to last year? Hell yes. Could it be better? Hell yes. 

As much as I love performing, sometimes I ask myself "why the hell did I choose this career?" 
Then when Joan Rivers passed away last week, I saw her documentary on Netflix, which is brilliant by the way and you should watch it, and she said something that really hit me. She said "I didn't choose this career. It chose me. It's my calling." I mean sure, could I do something else, be more stable with a schedule and pay and everything elsewhere? Possibly yes. Would I be happy?
NO.
The true answer is no, I wouldn't be. Because when I'm onstage, I feel like home.

Hence my weird mood these past few days. I don't know what it is but I feel like something should be changing, something should be happening where I should start feeling more stable, more secure in certain aspects of my life. But they're not going as fast as I'd like them to which makes me sad, which then makes me anxious, which then makes me panic and feel like a failure at everything.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll wake up one day 10 year, 20 years, 30 years from now and wonder "what the hell ahve I been doing?" because I haven't done anything with my performing career. That thought alone breaks my heart. And I hate it. I don't want it to happen whatsoever. 

So if anyone has some choice words of advice, please, feel free.

Alright, I'm done rambling for the night. Time to go cuddle with my puppy before going to bed. <3