But it's a very good tired. This week was very good for me. Very good things happening and I'm beginning to feel a bit more at ease and happy.
I know for lots of people, it sounds stupid to hear me doubt my "talents." But I do. Constantly. All the time. 24/7.
My friends and I go to a local bar for karaoke night sometimes on Saturdays. I sang a song, it was fun and catchy. I usually sing Paramore or top 40 type stuff. It's always a lot of fun, especially since I kind of use it as a platform of performing since I don't get a chance to nearly as often as I'd like to.
Then, for some unknown reason, I decided to sing a song I've loved since I was little that I've never ever sung in front of anyone. Because I don't think it's my voice type, or that my voice isn't good enough, or that I shouldn't be singing it because...reasons.
I picked to sing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston.
I know right? What the eff was I thinking? I have no idea. And no, I was not intoxicated. I had one beer but it did not affect me whatsoever.
I was SO SO SO incredibly nervous. Second guessing myself, wondering if I should go change the song, every once in a while in the hour long wait till my name was called to go warm my voice up a bit more. Then my name was called.
I was shaking. Was I really going to sing this song? I mean, people that do karaoke here just do it for fun. Not much serious singing ever. But I grabbed the mic, took a breath, closed my eyes and just did it.
Usually when I sing karaoke at this specific bar, I look over to the table where my friends reside-- partially because I self doubt so much that I'm looking at them for reassurance that I'm doing ok, that I'm not making a fool of myself. After singing the first song earlier, a complete and total stranger came up to me and expressed how she thought I had a great voice but how she read my body language and saw my constant looking towards my friends. She told me I didn't need them, I just needed to sing with my heart and to let go. (Don't you DARE start singing that damn song in your head. Damn it...it has already hasn't it? Ok, stop! Moving on.)
Going back to the song beginning...I kept my eyes closed for pretty much 90% of the song. And honestly, whenever I perform, I basically just tune out everything else. Because for me, any stage is my home. I don't need anyone else but me and the music, whether that's for singing or dancing. Supposedly, something that never happens happened. Supposedly, the whole bar went silent. Which I sincerely doubt. But that's what I'm told.
Regardless of how I sounded, which I know if anyone recorded it (I hope to God no one did), I would find a bajillion things wrong with it. However, I'm proud of myself for at least going out there and doing it anyway. I couldn't breathe properly for about 10 minutes after the song cause I was totally shaking and my anxiety was a bit high. But I still felt good about just singing a song that has been in my heart for ages. Do I sound like Whitney Houston? Hell no. I never will. She's ridiculously amazing. Me? I'm just Kayla. But I know I sang with all my heart.
Not once did I look to my friends when I performed that song. But afterwards, I felt them rooting for me, as they always do. I'm very lucky to have them support me, crazy ass me.
Anyway, with that and a few other things, circumstances are slowly starting to change and I may actually start to feel happy these days. Which has been a foreign feeling for...about a year almost now since I got screwed over by someone I idiotically trusted. But that doesn't matter. Life moves forward and the people who are worth being there will be there.
I need to sing more. I've started recording stuff with my mic on my pc again but have been too scared to post any of them. I critique the crap out of them and convince myself people's ears will bleed if I were to post it on the internet. But I'll try to record and maybe post something soon.
Anyway, I hope you had a fantastic weekend and that tomorrow is better than today.
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