Change is good

I have been SO tired this week.

But it's a very good tired. This week was very good for me. Very good things happening and I'm beginning to feel a bit more at ease and happy.

I know for lots of people, it sounds stupid to hear me doubt my "talents." But I do. Constantly. All the time. 24/7.

My friends and I go to a local bar for karaoke night sometimes on Saturdays. I sang a song, it was fun and catchy. I usually sing Paramore or top 40 type stuff. It's always a lot of fun, especially since I kind of use it as a platform of performing since I don't get a chance to nearly as often as I'd like to.

Then, for some unknown reason, I decided to sing a song I've loved since I was little that I've never ever sung in front of anyone. Because I don't think it's my voice type, or that my voice isn't good enough, or that I shouldn't be singing it because...reasons.

I picked to sing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston.

I know right? What the eff was I thinking? I have no idea. And no, I was not intoxicated. I had one beer but it did not affect me whatsoever.

I was SO SO SO incredibly nervous. Second guessing myself, wondering if I should go change the song, every once in a while in the hour long wait till my name was called to go warm my voice up a bit more. Then my name was called.

I was shaking. Was I really going to sing this song? I mean, people that do karaoke here just do it for fun. Not much serious singing ever. But I grabbed the mic, took a breath, closed my eyes and just did it.

Usually when I sing karaoke at this specific bar, I look over to the table where my friends reside-- partially because I self doubt so much that I'm looking at them for reassurance that I'm doing ok, that I'm not making a fool of myself. After singing the first song earlier, a complete and total stranger came up to me and expressed how she thought I had a great voice but how she read my body language and saw my constant looking towards my friends. She told me I didn't need them, I just needed to sing with my heart and to let go. (Don't you DARE start singing that damn song in your head. Damn it...it has already hasn't it? Ok, stop! Moving on.)

Going back to the song beginning...I kept my eyes closed for pretty much 90% of the song. And honestly, whenever I perform, I basically just tune out everything else. Because for me, any stage is my home. I don't need anyone else but me and the music, whether that's for singing or dancing. Supposedly, something that never happens happened. Supposedly, the whole bar went silent. Which I sincerely doubt. But that's what I'm told.

Regardless of how I sounded, which I know if anyone recorded it (I hope to God no one did), I would find a bajillion things wrong with it. However, I'm proud of myself for at least going out there and doing it anyway. I couldn't breathe properly for about 10 minutes after the song cause I was totally shaking and my anxiety was a bit high. But I still felt good about just singing a song that has been in my heart for ages. Do I sound like Whitney Houston? Hell no. I never will. She's ridiculously amazing. Me? I'm just Kayla. But I know I sang with all my heart.

Not once did I look to my friends when I performed that song. But afterwards, I felt them rooting for me, as they always do. I'm very lucky to have them support me, crazy ass me.

Anyway, with that and a few other things, circumstances are slowly starting to change and I may actually start to feel happy these days. Which has been a foreign feeling for...about a year almost now since I got screwed over by someone I idiotically trusted. But that doesn't matter. Life moves forward and the people who are worth being there will be there.

I need to sing more. I've started recording stuff with my mic on my pc again but have been too scared to post any of them. I critique the crap out of them and convince myself people's ears will bleed if I were to post it on the internet. But I'll try to record and maybe post something soon.

Anyway, I hope you had a fantastic weekend and that tomorrow is better than today.

Photo Collage CHALLENGE!

ʘ   Four tv shows you enjoy that were made in the last five years

ʑ    Nine men with faces that you like the look of

ɣ     Nine women with faces that you like the look of

ʬ     Four tv shows you enjoyed that were made more than five years ago

ʡ     Five style inspiration photos

Φ   Six of the most recent films you have watched

ψ   Eight favourite cities or towns you have visited

Ω   Three pictures of your favourite kind of weather

Δ    Four selfies

ς     Four places you would like to visit

Ϫ    Six tv shows you enjoyed as a child

Ϡ    Four people from history that you find interesting

҂    Nine favourite things to eat

҉      Nine favourite things to drink

†    Three things you’re excited for

WHAT A DAY

So I've been sick the past few days. Yayyy. But you guys knew that cause for sure you read my earlier post where I talked about it, right? Yeah, I thought so.

Today, I woke up even more sick than yesterday which really blew cause I mean I did everything everyone told me to do the past couple of days;

drink your medicine

drink lots of water

drink lots of fluids

rest!

have some vitamin C

no dairy!

rest!

lots of water missy

medicine

rest!

no dairy

REST!

You get the picture. And I had taken one entire day of doing absolutely NOTHING, which to be frank was quite boring and marvelous at the same time, and rested as every one proclaimed and yet still I am ill. 

Anyway, so there was the whole me feeling like shit thing, but I had an appointment so I put my face on, did my hair, got dressed, and got in the car.

Uh....what? No. No no no no no this can't be happening. Not right now. Not today. Come on. 

My car battery had died. Yup.

So what does Kayla do? Oh you know....has a full fledged panic attack in the car sweating her ass off.

I call my dad and he's far so he can't do anything. I call a friend of mine who is literally a God-sent who knew how to calm me down and said she'd pick me up and take me to the appointment.

After all of that...it's a pretty shitty situation but you know what? I'm so freaking lucky. My dad bought me and replaced my car battery and I'm blessed enough to have a friend who dropped nearly everything on a Saturday to help me out. 

Now, I'm listening to musicals, writing to you all, and am hoping I'm all better by tomorrow. Let's see. Idk cause there's Pumpkin Ice Cream from Trader Joe's in my freezer right now. Don't ask me how it got there...I have no idea ;)

2 DAYS?!

WHAT THE HECK KAYLA?!

WHAT HAPPENED TO ONCE A DAY TO CREATE A HABIT?

Well listen, I have a life man, ok? Geez Louise.

Sorry Louise, I don't mean to blame this on you.

I don't feel very good today. At all. My throat hurts, I feel weak, and a wee bit congested. Gr.

I used to have the most bad ass immune system ever. People would have bronchitis and be like "Kayla, no! Get away from me! I'm hideous! I'll get you sick."
And I'd respond like "Hey man, my anti-bodies are the ish. They look at your germs and laugh."

Ever since I got diagnosed with PCOS? Not so much. In the past year and a half, I've made up for all those years of near 100% immunity. If it wasn't for PCOS, I totally would've survived the zombie apocalypse. Now? I'm not so sure. Thank goodness I know how to use a sword so well...

Ok that was an embellishment; learning fencing in college doesn't necessarily count as warrior skills with a sword but hey, I need a win.

So anyway, I'm sick and the new iOS8 comes today. Therefore, I'm restoring my iPhone as we speak because we all know how many gigs that shit needs empty to even attempt to download. Well all know how this goes.

Random thought: is it normal to want a 3rd cup of coffee? Cause like...I still feel very tired. Although that could just be the sickness taking over. Help! Send help.

This is my sick brain talking by the way. It's a bit insane. When I say a bit, I mean more insane than I am on a generally normal day. Which is already pretty freaking insane.

Alright, while my iPhone is restoring, I'm going to attempt to be productive as well as make myself chicken soup. Wish me luck.

Cooking

I have no idea what to write about today...

Cause it wasn't the best day if I'm honest.

But I don't want to write another post like that. Too much negativity. So I should write something good and positive.

I'm having a dinner party type thing tomorrow.

It's so grown up. Haha. But see I LOVE cooking. That probably would've been my third career choice after performer and makeup artist is a chef. Because I love it.

I just haven't been cooking much for the past year cause it's honestly such a pain in the ass to do it here at my dad's house. There's always tons of questions of what I'm making, how I'm making it, the ingredients, etc. that I just get exhausted and annoyed and it's no longer fun.

But in general, I find cooking incredibly therapeutic. It's so awesome for me to just cook, maybe enjoy a glass of wine, put on my favorite music and be. It's as close to the peace and home feeling I get onstage. It's just best when I'm alone lol Once there's people there, no matter how much I love them, it's like they're in my bubble. However, I LOVE to cook meals for people too. Hence my fancy schmancy dinner party for my friends tomorrow haha

It'll be nice to go to Trader Joe's, pick out the ingredients, do some prep work and all of that. The whole process is just so fun for me. I wish I could do it more often. Let's see if I remember to take pictures and let you guys know how it all turned out tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm going for a 3 mile run early in the morning so hope y'all have a great night and sweet dreams.

<3

9/11

So I know that there have probably been a ton of posts and everything about this day. This incredibly sad day. But I haven't been able to sleep. I got caught watching Howard Stern's stream from his show from the morning it all happened and all of these memories and emotions I felt that morning flooded back into my head. And I mean, that's the whole point of a blog right? To write whatever you want. So here it is.

I was in 7th grade, in middle school. Typical morning, hung out with my friends before heading into class. I remember not looking forward to going to my English class, which is my first period, only because I didn't care for my teacher for some ridiculous reason that I can't remember and had requested to get a transfer.

She asked us to write in our required journals for the homeroom period before class actually started.

Journals? I effing HATE required journals. First off, I don't want my teacher reading about my life. And second, HOW exactly does this help me in English?

Anyway, there I am being a typical hormonal teenager, pouting, and probably writing song lyrics in my journal rather than actual thoughts and the PA system rings on...

Our principal came on, which was rare, and I could tell by her tone something was off. I don't remember exactly what she said. All I heard was "plane" "World Trade Center" "bomb."

I'd like to preface all this by saying that only a month before, I had gone to New York City for the very first time for a nationals dance competition. And just like most every other American, fell in love with it. I have pictures in front of certain parts of the NYC skyline with the WTC buildings behind me. One comes to mind with myself and my mother.

So immediately, 13-year-old Kayla thinks "what? No way. I just saw those buildings not long ago. How is that possible?" At any age, I'm sure just the thought of a plane crashing into a building is unfathomable. Our principal, over the PA, then said for our teachers to turn on the TV and turn to a certain channel and watch the news. Remember watching the news when you were little? It was never pleasant...and it surely wasn't at all pleasant on that day.

I saw through the live action stream on that channel the second plane fly into the second tower. What? What the actual fuck? How? Why? WHY? That was my biggest thing going through my mind. Why?

At the time, my mother was very much into politics and is a proud Republican. So I had heard things here and there about "terrorism" and such. But this was all a blur to me. Then the Pentagon got hit, if I'm not mistaken, right before that class period ended.

I've never heard so much silence in a middle school hallway before that day on the way to the next class.

Students started leaving left and right, being taken home early by their parents. I remember wondering if my parents were going to pick me up early. I was scared. Terrified. Obviously it sounds stupid as an adult but as a kid, you couldn't help but think "are they going to come here? Are they going to bomb my school?" I mean, we were under attack. Anything was possible.

I don't remember a lot of crying or discussion. I think everyone at Southwood Middle that day, students and teachers alike, were just in shock. We didn't know what to think, what to do. And as a teacher now, I can't imagine what my teachers were going through. Wanting to protect us, help us get through all of it and understand.

If I'm not mistaken, all Miami-Dade schools were let out early. It wasn't until I got home and watched the news with my family that I started getting real information and actually absorbing it all. The fear and shock was gone. Now came the anger-- which I know was incredibly common for Americans all over the nation. Regardless of political or religious affiliations, all we wanted to do was get revenge. Tell whoever it was that attacked us that we are the damn United States of America and that they will pay.

I remember the next day very clearly. And although it was incredibly sad, and somber--I also remember a calm. A soothing and sober feel all through the air of my crappy magnet middle school. On that day, we all wore red, white and blue. On that day, there was no stupid hormonal fights with one another. On that day, there was no inane backlash at teachers.

On that day there was love. So much love. And it sounds crazy, but whenever 9/11 comes around every year, I think our nation as people put down our guard(metaphorically) and just love and accept one another. As Americans. We are a PROUD nation. And on 9/12/2001, that was the day I felt it most.

Just last December, I went to the most renovated Ground Zero area. The last time I had visited years before, it was still just fences all around, and mostly dust. Now, it was a beautiful memorial. Absolutely stunning, with a museum that's going to be opening soon right next to it.

On the gorgeous marble dedications are the names of all of the people we lost that day. Civilians, firefighters, policemen, etc. And a beautiful thing that I saw was that on some, there were roses. I learned that when there is a rose next to someone's name, it is their birthday. And call me crazy or silly, but my sister and I went around to each and every one and quietly sang happy birthday to them.

This day will never be just any other day for the rest of our lives. And although it is a historic day, for tragic reasons, I feel it did make us stronger as a country. Will we have our flaws? Yes. Will we have our differences between one another along with other countries? Absolutely. Will we have more enemies than allies? Probably. But that is because our country is so great, so free, so true that just like everything else beautiful in the world, there need to be enemies to try to bring you down. Only for those enemies to realize that there will never be anything we cannot overcome.

God Bless America

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

I know, I know

8:30 am
I missed a day. Boo.

Yesterday was an all day nonstop type of day so when I got home and could finally rest I didn't even turn on my PC. I just laid in bed until I fell asleep so...I'M SORRY.


11:26pm
Ok, now I can actually write.

It's REALLY HARD to stay positive sometimes. And I know some people see me and generally think I'm a Disney princess and all is pixie dust with me. Y'all would be surprised on what actually goes through my head. 

I am constantly doubting myself. Saying that these things won't work out for me because of course they won't. For multiple reasons: I don't deserve it, people suck, etc. And sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try or persevere or anything, I'm always let down. For whatever bloody reason. And I know that what you put out into the universe is what will be returned back to you so I pray and I truly try to stay positive and BELIEVE that good things will happen. Has this year been good to me compared to last year? Hell yes. Could it be better? Hell yes. 

As much as I love performing, sometimes I ask myself "why the hell did I choose this career?" 
Then when Joan Rivers passed away last week, I saw her documentary on Netflix, which is brilliant by the way and you should watch it, and she said something that really hit me. She said "I didn't choose this career. It chose me. It's my calling." I mean sure, could I do something else, be more stable with a schedule and pay and everything elsewhere? Possibly yes. Would I be happy?
NO.
The true answer is no, I wouldn't be. Because when I'm onstage, I feel like home.

Hence my weird mood these past few days. I don't know what it is but I feel like something should be changing, something should be happening where I should start feeling more stable, more secure in certain aspects of my life. But they're not going as fast as I'd like them to which makes me sad, which then makes me anxious, which then makes me panic and feel like a failure at everything.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll wake up one day 10 year, 20 years, 30 years from now and wonder "what the hell ahve I been doing?" because I haven't done anything with my performing career. That thought alone breaks my heart. And I hate it. I don't want it to happen whatsoever. 

So if anyone has some choice words of advice, please, feel free.

Alright, I'm done rambling for the night. Time to go cuddle with my puppy before going to bed. <3