2 DAYS?!

WHAT THE HECK KAYLA?!

WHAT HAPPENED TO ONCE A DAY TO CREATE A HABIT?

Well listen, I have a life man, ok? Geez Louise.

Sorry Louise, I don't mean to blame this on you.

I don't feel very good today. At all. My throat hurts, I feel weak, and a wee bit congested. Gr.

I used to have the most bad ass immune system ever. People would have bronchitis and be like "Kayla, no! Get away from me! I'm hideous! I'll get you sick."
And I'd respond like "Hey man, my anti-bodies are the ish. They look at your germs and laugh."

Ever since I got diagnosed with PCOS? Not so much. In the past year and a half, I've made up for all those years of near 100% immunity. If it wasn't for PCOS, I totally would've survived the zombie apocalypse. Now? I'm not so sure. Thank goodness I know how to use a sword so well...

Ok that was an embellishment; learning fencing in college doesn't necessarily count as warrior skills with a sword but hey, I need a win.

So anyway, I'm sick and the new iOS8 comes today. Therefore, I'm restoring my iPhone as we speak because we all know how many gigs that shit needs empty to even attempt to download. Well all know how this goes.

Random thought: is it normal to want a 3rd cup of coffee? Cause like...I still feel very tired. Although that could just be the sickness taking over. Help! Send help.

This is my sick brain talking by the way. It's a bit insane. When I say a bit, I mean more insane than I am on a generally normal day. Which is already pretty freaking insane.

Alright, while my iPhone is restoring, I'm going to attempt to be productive as well as make myself chicken soup. Wish me luck.

Cooking

I have no idea what to write about today...

Cause it wasn't the best day if I'm honest.

But I don't want to write another post like that. Too much negativity. So I should write something good and positive.

I'm having a dinner party type thing tomorrow.

It's so grown up. Haha. But see I LOVE cooking. That probably would've been my third career choice after performer and makeup artist is a chef. Because I love it.

I just haven't been cooking much for the past year cause it's honestly such a pain in the ass to do it here at my dad's house. There's always tons of questions of what I'm making, how I'm making it, the ingredients, etc. that I just get exhausted and annoyed and it's no longer fun.

But in general, I find cooking incredibly therapeutic. It's so awesome for me to just cook, maybe enjoy a glass of wine, put on my favorite music and be. It's as close to the peace and home feeling I get onstage. It's just best when I'm alone lol Once there's people there, no matter how much I love them, it's like they're in my bubble. However, I LOVE to cook meals for people too. Hence my fancy schmancy dinner party for my friends tomorrow haha

It'll be nice to go to Trader Joe's, pick out the ingredients, do some prep work and all of that. The whole process is just so fun for me. I wish I could do it more often. Let's see if I remember to take pictures and let you guys know how it all turned out tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm going for a 3 mile run early in the morning so hope y'all have a great night and sweet dreams.

<3

9/11

So I know that there have probably been a ton of posts and everything about this day. This incredibly sad day. But I haven't been able to sleep. I got caught watching Howard Stern's stream from his show from the morning it all happened and all of these memories and emotions I felt that morning flooded back into my head. And I mean, that's the whole point of a blog right? To write whatever you want. So here it is.

I was in 7th grade, in middle school. Typical morning, hung out with my friends before heading into class. I remember not looking forward to going to my English class, which is my first period, only because I didn't care for my teacher for some ridiculous reason that I can't remember and had requested to get a transfer.

She asked us to write in our required journals for the homeroom period before class actually started.

Journals? I effing HATE required journals. First off, I don't want my teacher reading about my life. And second, HOW exactly does this help me in English?

Anyway, there I am being a typical hormonal teenager, pouting, and probably writing song lyrics in my journal rather than actual thoughts and the PA system rings on...

Our principal came on, which was rare, and I could tell by her tone something was off. I don't remember exactly what she said. All I heard was "plane" "World Trade Center" "bomb."

I'd like to preface all this by saying that only a month before, I had gone to New York City for the very first time for a nationals dance competition. And just like most every other American, fell in love with it. I have pictures in front of certain parts of the NYC skyline with the WTC buildings behind me. One comes to mind with myself and my mother.

So immediately, 13-year-old Kayla thinks "what? No way. I just saw those buildings not long ago. How is that possible?" At any age, I'm sure just the thought of a plane crashing into a building is unfathomable. Our principal, over the PA, then said for our teachers to turn on the TV and turn to a certain channel and watch the news. Remember watching the news when you were little? It was never pleasant...and it surely wasn't at all pleasant on that day.

I saw through the live action stream on that channel the second plane fly into the second tower. What? What the actual fuck? How? Why? WHY? That was my biggest thing going through my mind. Why?

At the time, my mother was very much into politics and is a proud Republican. So I had heard things here and there about "terrorism" and such. But this was all a blur to me. Then the Pentagon got hit, if I'm not mistaken, right before that class period ended.

I've never heard so much silence in a middle school hallway before that day on the way to the next class.

Students started leaving left and right, being taken home early by their parents. I remember wondering if my parents were going to pick me up early. I was scared. Terrified. Obviously it sounds stupid as an adult but as a kid, you couldn't help but think "are they going to come here? Are they going to bomb my school?" I mean, we were under attack. Anything was possible.

I don't remember a lot of crying or discussion. I think everyone at Southwood Middle that day, students and teachers alike, were just in shock. We didn't know what to think, what to do. And as a teacher now, I can't imagine what my teachers were going through. Wanting to protect us, help us get through all of it and understand.

If I'm not mistaken, all Miami-Dade schools were let out early. It wasn't until I got home and watched the news with my family that I started getting real information and actually absorbing it all. The fear and shock was gone. Now came the anger-- which I know was incredibly common for Americans all over the nation. Regardless of political or religious affiliations, all we wanted to do was get revenge. Tell whoever it was that attacked us that we are the damn United States of America and that they will pay.

I remember the next day very clearly. And although it was incredibly sad, and somber--I also remember a calm. A soothing and sober feel all through the air of my crappy magnet middle school. On that day, we all wore red, white and blue. On that day, there was no stupid hormonal fights with one another. On that day, there was no inane backlash at teachers.

On that day there was love. So much love. And it sounds crazy, but whenever 9/11 comes around every year, I think our nation as people put down our guard(metaphorically) and just love and accept one another. As Americans. We are a PROUD nation. And on 9/12/2001, that was the day I felt it most.

Just last December, I went to the most renovated Ground Zero area. The last time I had visited years before, it was still just fences all around, and mostly dust. Now, it was a beautiful memorial. Absolutely stunning, with a museum that's going to be opening soon right next to it.

On the gorgeous marble dedications are the names of all of the people we lost that day. Civilians, firefighters, policemen, etc. And a beautiful thing that I saw was that on some, there were roses. I learned that when there is a rose next to someone's name, it is their birthday. And call me crazy or silly, but my sister and I went around to each and every one and quietly sang happy birthday to them.

This day will never be just any other day for the rest of our lives. And although it is a historic day, for tragic reasons, I feel it did make us stronger as a country. Will we have our flaws? Yes. Will we have our differences between one another along with other countries? Absolutely. Will we have more enemies than allies? Probably. But that is because our country is so great, so free, so true that just like everything else beautiful in the world, there need to be enemies to try to bring you down. Only for those enemies to realize that there will never be anything we cannot overcome.

God Bless America

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

I know, I know

8:30 am
I missed a day. Boo.

Yesterday was an all day nonstop type of day so when I got home and could finally rest I didn't even turn on my PC. I just laid in bed until I fell asleep so...I'M SORRY.


11:26pm
Ok, now I can actually write.

It's REALLY HARD to stay positive sometimes. And I know some people see me and generally think I'm a Disney princess and all is pixie dust with me. Y'all would be surprised on what actually goes through my head. 

I am constantly doubting myself. Saying that these things won't work out for me because of course they won't. For multiple reasons: I don't deserve it, people suck, etc. And sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try or persevere or anything, I'm always let down. For whatever bloody reason. And I know that what you put out into the universe is what will be returned back to you so I pray and I truly try to stay positive and BELIEVE that good things will happen. Has this year been good to me compared to last year? Hell yes. Could it be better? Hell yes. 

As much as I love performing, sometimes I ask myself "why the hell did I choose this career?" 
Then when Joan Rivers passed away last week, I saw her documentary on Netflix, which is brilliant by the way and you should watch it, and she said something that really hit me. She said "I didn't choose this career. It chose me. It's my calling." I mean sure, could I do something else, be more stable with a schedule and pay and everything elsewhere? Possibly yes. Would I be happy?
NO.
The true answer is no, I wouldn't be. Because when I'm onstage, I feel like home.

Hence my weird mood these past few days. I don't know what it is but I feel like something should be changing, something should be happening where I should start feeling more stable, more secure in certain aspects of my life. But they're not going as fast as I'd like them to which makes me sad, which then makes me anxious, which then makes me panic and feel like a failure at everything.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll wake up one day 10 year, 20 years, 30 years from now and wonder "what the hell ahve I been doing?" because I haven't done anything with my performing career. That thought alone breaks my heart. And I hate it. I don't want it to happen whatsoever. 

So if anyone has some choice words of advice, please, feel free.

Alright, I'm done rambling for the night. Time to go cuddle with my puppy before going to bed. <3

But where?

I'm trying to figure out where the heck I belong.

And I don't mean this metaphorically, but very literally. 

I was born and raised in Miami and it'll always be home but I truly do not see myself living here for the rest of my life. It'll forever have a place in my heart because of family, friends, and croquetas, but other than that -- I need to say "adios!" soon. Cause I'm kind of losing my mind. 

Now I did live in Orlando for 2 year, which I loved very much. And I already discussed in my first post about how I miss it and an contemplating moving back. 

But see then there are the endless possibilities of so many other places to live.

Like New York City, or Chicago, or Boston, or Seattle, or Santa Cruz, or LA.

Just...dude. 
How do I figure out where the hell to go? Yeah there's the obvious financial aspect of it but that's now what I want to focus on when it comes to where to go.

Do any of you have any words of wisdom? Because I am literally just very confused. I don't know where to begin so I would appreciate your input. :) Make sure to leave a comment down below. 

Other than that, I ran 2 miles today. I'm so proud of myself for my consistency in working out and have a long way to go but have been seeing such a difference in many different ways. So...yeah, there's that.

Thanks for reading, reader. You're awesome.

<3
Kayla

A survey of sorts

A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom?
It says "WHAT IS LOVE?!" quoting that awesome 90's song to my awesome nerdy friend, Eric.
B) What does the last text you recieved say? And from whom?
It's work related so I can't really post it on here lol
C) What time do you wake up most mornings?
Typically between 8:30-9am
D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night?
Yes. Yes I am. Hence using the flashlight on my phone. 
E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day?
I usually watch some YouTube videos, read, catch up with friends, and cuddle with my puppy. :)
F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom?
Um...at a bar...with someone I may or may not have known. lol oops :X
G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school?
Nope. For the most part, I behaved very well in school. 
H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so?
Yes I do. Very much. I love my business and when booked for a performing job, there's nothing better in the world than for me to perform. <3
I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos?
Oh hell yes. I'm usually the one that initiates them. 
J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined?
Yup. Declined real quick. 
K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking?
Um...no, I can't say that I have. 
L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted?
Negative. Unless you count alcohol. 
M) Tell us something weird that turns you on.
Hmm...forearms. Yup...that's weird. 
N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual?
Yesterday and NO. 
O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?
My non-existent romantic life. But hey, it's all good. Eugene is out there somewhere. (Tangled reference.)
P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation?
I feel like I do that every day. I'm such a Hufflepuff. 
Q) Do you usually initiate hugs?
Yes, if it's with the right person. 
R) Are you a very affectionate person?
Again, depending on the person, yes. 
S) Can you roll your own cigarettes?
Yuck. No. 
T) What are you looking forward to?
I'm looking forward to continue auditioning and finally pursuing my dreams with confidence and faith. 
U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more?
Not yet but I have quite a few that I want to get in mind. 
V) Are you mentally strong?
I like to think so. 
W) Are you physically strong?
Working on it with Elizabeth Blair. :)
X) Do you think you’re a good person?
Undeniably so, yes. 
Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now.
Financial independence. 
Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast?
Coffee. Just coffee. 

Makeup

Once upon a time...

Long ago..

In a galaxy far far away...

Ok sorry, got a bit carried away there.

I read an old internet post about my fear of not wearing makeup out in public. And it made me laugh. And so grateful for SO many different things from a post of only about a year ago. 

I have had cystic acne most all of my life. Redness, scarring, huge break outs, cysts. No matter the amount of makeup, whether it was Chanel, Revlon, or Makeup Forever, my skin was horrid. And you could tell under the makeup I tried to conceal it under. I was always SO self conscious about it. Horribly self conscious of it. And I know for fact I am not alone that dreaded feeling of leaving the house and having a huge zit on your face that you know everyone will notice.

I'd been to dermatologists offices, gotten prescriptions, tried Proactiv, tried over the counter products. Nothing bloody worked. Nothing. This lead me to hate skincare. Because no matter what I tried I thought "what's the point? I'm going to break out anyway. I'm going to be ugly anyway." I know right? What a terrible way to think of myself. But truly, that was my thought process. 

Fast forward to last March of 2012 where I got diagnosed with PCOS. Better known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Look it up because it affects a large percentage of women and people just don't know about it. Now is this "condition" for lack of better word something that is life threatening or a major toll on one's life? Well no - however it does make a major difference in how you treat your body. i.e. The foods and drinks you consume, medication, mental health, etc.

Apparently, PCOS, being a major hormonal mindf*ck to the body causes incredibly bad acne in adults. Hooray! I found the reason why it got worse the older I got! Now...how did I make it better? Birth control certainly didn't help. So what did Kayla do? She went on Accutane. Yes, the dreaded drug where you must be tested to see if you're pregnant each month you're on it, cannot donate blood, and "supposedly" makes people very depressed and want to kill themselves. I wish I were joking, but I'm not.

Luckily, I did not get any of the crazy affects people were claiming while on accutane. The only affect I did see was my skin cleaning up. Hallelujah! It's a bloody miracle! Oh wait...it's itchy now? Dry? Patchy? Oh god...

But wait. There is a happy ending to this tale. Does it include my amazing business in the #1 brand in skincare and cosmetics? Absolutely. But that's NOT the happy ending my friends.

No, the happy ending is the fact that I don't care anymore. I don't. I take great care in my skin. I do makeup professionally, yes. But I have absolutely no shame in going out with no makeup on. Because do I believe that I am a gorgeous model? Hell no. But am I pretty enough without makeup, without my hair done, without the best outfit? Absolutely. And I deserve, as does any person, as much respect and kindness with or without it.

I use makeup now as a way to express myself, just as I do with my hair and my clothing. I don't use it anymore as a shield, a cover to hide myself away from cruel and judgmental people. And neither should anyone else. If you, the person reading this, feel you need something to cover your true self from the world, please, I beg you, find a way out. Because there is nothing more relieving than to be comfortable in your own bare skin.

Love yourselves. <3
xx
Kayla